Realizations
by WElle
Summary: You learn something new everyday.  Little drabbles about what the brothers learn about each other.  One per episode.  Eventually in order.
1. Pilot

He really had a whole life. He hadn't just pushed the 'pause' button. He hadn't been in limbo, the way he was in Dean's mind, where he purposely never imagined what Sam was up to. Sam really had gotten on with it.

And he really meant to stay here. Sammy really meant never to come back, never to so much as look back.

Somewhere in the back of Dean's mind, Sammy was just sewing his nerdy oats and would get it out of his system and come back. So what that it had taken four years already.

'Hey, we made a pretty good team back there.'

Sam's awkward expression, his silence, spoke volumes.


	2. Something Wicked

Sam couldn't even remember it. Didn't remember the Shtriga. Didn't remember getting hauled out of bed in the middle of the night. Didn't remember driving three hours to Pastor Jim's. Only vaguely remembered the three week stay. It wasn't the only one, they kind of blended in to each other.

He definitely didn't remember his father ever looking at Dean differently.

And he really thought he ought to. He really thought he ought to have some memory of the moment that had shaped his brother. Of the moment Dean became 'Dean'. Dean the protector. Dean the go-through-the-door-first. Dean the sleep-in-the-bed-closest-to-the-door. Dean the good little soldier.

_Good little soldier_. The words were bitter in Sam's throat now. He didn't use them so casually now, he didn't even think them so casually now.


	3. Wendigo

He sits, away from the fire, away from the rest of them, exhausted and raging, and he knows, knows the way he knows his own name, that he's back. He's back in this life for good. He tries to tell himself that he'll just take care of this. Just find his Dad, just find the thing that killed Jessica, end it, fix it. And go back. But in his heart of hearts, he knows.

He sees the road ahead, the road behind him, the mere detour that was Stanford, over now. He's back on the main road now.


	4. Dead in the Water

He'd forgotten that feeling of just being along for the ride. The side car to the important things, people. The adjunct, the third arm, the assistant to the cause.

Forgotten what a hard ass little Sammy could be. What a whiny little bitch. Pouty and sullen. God, he's just like Dad. Driven. Compulsive. Single minded. Obsessed. He'd forgotten that about him. How much alike they were.


	5. Phantom Traveller

And we hold these truths to be self evident: Dad's an obsessed single-minded dick. Dean is bullet proof.

Except maybe not.

Maybe Dad was a bit proud of his Ivy League kid.

Maybe Dean doesn't go through every door first.


	6. Asylum

ASYLUM

Occasionally it dawns on Sam that he may be a complete idiot. Obviously Dean _understands_ that it wasn't really him talking. _OK, it was but it wasn't_. Obviously Dean _gets_ the amplifier metaphor, doesn't he? _I mean, yeah, that stuff bothers me, but not enough...not really_. _Come on, that's crazy_. Obviously Dean _knows_ he shouldn't take any of it to heart. _He said he was fine_.

Obviously.

_Jesus Christ Sammy, you're a fucking genius_, he thinks three days later. It hits him like a chest full of rock salt as he watches Dean take the first aid kit into the bathroom to redress his wounds. He stares at the closed door that may as well be a three foot thick concrete wall.


	7. Bloodlust

BLOODLUST

He thinks that grief is like being stuck under something heavy. Like a bookshelf. At first it just lands on you with a thud and bruises. It weighs down on you and the shelves and the corners of the books dig into your soft flesh and hurt and mark you. But you get used to it, being pinned down, and you stop feeling the pain and the weight and for a minute you think you're OK.

And as soon as that happens, you start to move a little, try to get your arm free. But what happens then is that books shake loose and the shelves slide out and fall and dig and make new bruises and the old ones flare with pain and you're stuck again. And you wonder if it's even worth getting your arm free at all.


End file.
